Description |
Size |
Gavin Millarrrrrrrrrr (View the script) |
The clarity is devestating, but where is the ambiguity? Over there, in a box |
11K |
But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No, there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight |
12K |
What indeed is the point? |
4K |
Gestures to Indicate Pauses in Televised Talk (View the script) |
We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating |
13K |
Gumby Brain Specialist (View the script) |
<CRASH> My brain hurts!!! |
11K |
My brain hurts too. |
5K |
Hell's Grannies (View the script) |
I've heard of unisex, but I've never had it |
7K |
Hospital Run by RSM (View the script) |
I've got a triple fracture of the right leg, dislocated collar bone and multiple head injuries, so I do most of the heavy work |
23K |
Do all the patients work? No, no, the ones that are really ill do sport. |
13K |
We've every facility here for dealing with people who are rich. We can deal with a blocked purse, we can drain private accounts and in the worst cases we can perform a total cashectomy, which is total removal of all moneys from the patient. |
32K |
How Not To Be Seen (View the script) |
How not to be seen |
5K |
In this picture there are 47 people. None of them can be seen |
15K |
Mrs Smegma, will you stand up please? |
8K |
Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of 'Not Being Seen', not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. [boom] |
31K |
The Hungarian Phrasebook (View the script) |
My hovercraft is full of eels |
7K |
Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy? |
13K |
Ah. You have beautiful thighs. |
7K |
I will not buy this record, it is scratched |
10K |
I will not buy this Tobacconist's, it is scratched |
14K |
My nipples explode with delight |
6K |
Please fondle my buttocks(The Hungarian) |
11K |
Please fondle my bum (The Prosecutor) |
8K |
Drop your panties Sir William, I cannot wait 'til lunchtime |
9K |
If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? |
16K |
I am no longer infected |
6K |
May I please ask for an adjournment M'lord? An adjournment, certainly not! <Huge Fart> Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment? I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase M'lord |
43K |
The Idiot in Society (View the script) |
Arthur takes idiotting seriously. He is up at six o'clock every morning working on special training equipment designed to keep him silly. |
19K |
Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here. What kind of money is there in idioting? Well nowadays a really blithering idiot can make anything up to ten thousand pounds a year - if he's the head of some big industrial combine. |
31K |
I'm a completely self-taught idiot. |
6K |
How about his relationship with women? Well I may be an idiot but I'm no fool. |
12K |
Interesting People (View the script) |
She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water. By herself? No, I fling her. |
16K |
I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat!! |
13K |
Interview With Sir Edward Ross (View the script) |
Eddie Baby, when you first started in the... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'. What? I don't like being called 'Eddie Baby'. Get on with the interview |
22K |
I didn't really call you 'Eddie Baby', did I, sweetie? |
7K |
Can I call you 'sugar plum'? No. 'Pussycat'? No! 'Angel drawers'? No you may not! |
17K |
It All Happened on the 11:20 From Hainault (View the script) |
Don't be a fool! Don't do it! |
5K |
Damn!! Alright, I confess, I did it! |
8K |
Johann Gambolputty (View the script) |
The ENTIRE name of Johnann Gambolputty (etc) |
50K |
Ken Shabby (View the script) |
Oh yeah ... you know... get 'em when they're young eh... eh! |
10K |
I just want to make sure that you'll be able to look after my daughter... Oh yeah, yeah. I'll be able to look after 'er all right sport, eh, know what I mean, eh emggh! |
25K |
What job do you do? I clean out public lavatories. Is there promotion involved? Oh yeah, yeah. After five years they give me a brush |
36K |
And when do you expect to get married? Oh, right away sport. Right away... you know... I haven't had it for weeks! |
17K |
Language Laboratory (View the script) |
Now look here, your bloody pusillanimous behavior makes me vomit!!! |
11K |
The Lifeboat Sketch (Cannibalism) (View the script) |
How long is it? That's rather a personal question sir! |
8K |
Why don't you want to eat me? I'd rather eat Johnson sir. So would I sir. |
10K |
What's the matter with Johnson sir? Well, he's not kosher. That depends how we kill him sir. |
12K |
I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me! |
5K |
The Logician (View the script) |
I call it crap, and it gets me very irritated |
12K |
This is of course, pure BullShit! |
7K |
God, you turn me on when you're angry you ancient brute! |
9K |
'You don't love me any more,' she will now often postulate. 'If you did, you would give me one now and again, so that I would not have to rely on that rancid Pakistani for my orgasms.' |
29K |
'F**k supper!' I now invariably conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously to the four winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained floor, transported by animal passion, until we sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yogurt. |
34K |
The Lumberjack Sketch (View the script) |
I always wanted to be a lumberjack!!! |
12K |
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. |
14K |
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day |
15K |
I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars |
14K |
Many of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites! |
11K |
The ENTIRE song (2 minutes and 47 seconds long) |
407K |
The Man Who is Alternately Rude and Polite (View the script) |
Per pound, you slimy trollop, what kind of a ponce are you? |
9K |
'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la-di-dah poofta. |
8K |
What is it now you great pillock? |
6K |
Don't come here with that posh talk you nasty stuck-up twit! |
10K |
The Man Who Speaks in Anagrams (View the script) |
If you're gonna split hairs, I'm gonna piss off! |
6K |
The Man With Three Buttocks (View the script) |
And now for something completely different, a man with 3 buttocks |
11K |
Marilyn Monroe (View the script) |
Well, we, we, dug her up and gave her a screen test, a mere formality in her case, and uh.... Can she still act? Well, well, she, she still has this, this enormous, uh, uh, a kind of indefinable, uh, no! |
37K |
Was decomposition a problem? We did have to put her in the fridge between takes. |
12K |
Carl, you're an effeminite little poof! A mincing gay-bar loiterer! A winnet covered walking perfume shop and an evil perverter of innocent little boys! |
20K |
The Medical Love Song (View the script) |
Inflammation of the foreskin, reminds me of your smile |
19K |
You gave me scrotal pustules, with a quick flick of your wrist |
17K |
My heart is very tender, though my parts are awful raw, you might have been infected, but you never were a bore |
34K |
Michelangelo and the Pope (View the script) |
I want a last supper with one Christ, twelve disciples, no kangaroos, no trampoline acts, by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid! Bloody fascist! |
29K |
That's not the point. There are twenty-eight disciples! Too many? Well, of course it's too many! |
16K |
That's the problem. What is? The disciples. Are they too Jewish? |
15K |
Oh, I know, you don't like the kangaroo? What kangaroo? No problem, I'll paint him out. I never saw a kangaroo! Uuh...he's right in the back. I'll paint him out! No sweat, I'll make him into a disciple. |
27K |
Now, a last supper I commissioned from you, and a last supper I want! With twelve disciples and one Christ! One?! Yes one! Now will you please tell me what in God's name possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it? |
43K |
Molluscs - Live TV Documentary (View the script) |
Disgusting! But more interesting. Oh yes |
8K |
The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-blooded little beast with its tent-like shell is always on the job. Its extra-marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock-face. |
39K |
The whelk is nothing but a homosexual of the worst kind. This gay boy of the gastropods, this queer crustacean, this mincing mollusc, this screaming, prancing, limp-wristed queen of the deep makes me sick. |
42K |
It's so boring. Well ... it's not much of a subject is it? |
8K |
The mollusc is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of you know what. |
15K |
Mosquito Hunters (View the script) |
Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. |
12K |
The mosquito's a clever little bastard. You can track him for days and days until you really get to know him like a friend. He knows you're there, and you know he's there. It's a game of wits. You hate him, then you respect him, then you kill him. |
34K |
Roy and Hank prepare for a much tougher ordeal - a moth hunt. Well, I follow the moth in the helicopter to lure it away from the flowers, and then Roy comes along in the Lockheed Starfighter and attacks it with air-to-air missiles. A lot of people have asked us why we don't use fly spray. Well, where's the sport in that? |
52K |
Mr. and Mrs. Git (View the script) |
This is a Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. |
7K |
Bring them round for tea tomorrow. It's Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed's birthday and she's having a disembowelling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage. |
32K |
Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion... (View the script) |
I just spent 4 hours burying the cat |
10K |
We're going to have our budgie put down. Really? Is it very old? No. We just don't like it. |
15K |
'Course, Mrs Essence flushed hers down the loo. Ooh! No! You shouldn't do that - no that's dangerous. Yes, they breed in the sewers, and eventually you get evil-smelling flocks of huge soiled budgies flying out of people's lavatories infringing their personal freedom. |
45K |
Told you so!! Oh, coitus!! |
9K |