Description |
Size |
Scene 1 |
We are three wise men. Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me. |
18K |
Is this some kind of joke? |
6K |
You're all drunk!! It's disgusting |
6K |
We were led by a star. Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out! |
9K |
We must see him. We have brought presents. Out! Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh. Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. |
18K |
Sorry the place is a bit of a mess |
7K |
A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him. What? That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough. No it isn't!! Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm...No, no, no. It is an ointment. Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? |
39K |
So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then? Hmmm? What star sign is he? Uh, Capricorn. Uh, Capricorn, ehh? What are they like? Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews. And that's Capricorn, is it? |
35K |
Scene 2 |
Blessed are the cheesemakers |
6K |
I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers'. What's so special about the cheesemakers? Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. |
28K |
Big nose!!!! |
3K |
Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!! |
7K |
Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.' |
9K |
Oh, shut up Big Nose! |
6K |
Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time. |
20K |
On, right, that's your last warning!! |
6K |
come on. Let's go to the stoning. All right. |
6K |
Scene 4 |
Are there any women here today? |
6K |
Who threw that stone, come on? She did! She did!! He did, he did he did |
18K |
No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle!!! |
14K |
Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'. |
15K |
Scene 5 |
Spare a Talent for an old ex-leper? Buzz off!! |
6K |
Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off! |
8K |
Who cured you? Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder!! |
31K |
Bloody dogooder!! |
3K |
There's no pleasing some people. That's just what Jesus said sir!! |
10K |
Scene 6 |
You were raped???? well, at first, yes.... |
10K |
Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had... voom! Like a rat out of an aquaduct. |
38K |
I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it! [slam] |
21K |
Sex sex sex, that's all they think about |
8K |
Scene 7 |
Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely |
8K |
Why are you always on about women Stan? I want to be one. What? I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta! |
27K |
I want to be a woman |
3K |
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! |
16K |
Where is the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box? |
10K |
Are you the Judean People's Front? Fuck off! What? Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! |
23K |
Piss off!! |
3K |
Listen, If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd hate to really hate the Romans. I do!! Oh yeah, how much? A lot!! Right, you're in. |
33K |
Splitter!!! |
5K |
I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest |
8K |
Scene 8 |
The COMPLETE Latin lesson |
150K |
If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off |
7K |
Scene 9 |
The aquaduct? |
2K |
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? Brought peace? Oh, peace? Shut up!!! |
38K |
There is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. Uhh. Well, one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one, but otherwise, we're solid. |
23K |
Scene 10 |
If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. |
10K |
Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. |
27K |
Well tough titty for you fishface |
6K |
Surely we should be united against the common enemy! The Judean People's Front? No, no! The Romans! Oh, yeah. Yeah. |
21K |
Scene 11 |
You lucky, lucky bastard |
8K |
I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat on in the face |
12K |
Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. |
20K |
They must think the sun shines out your ass sonny |
11K |
I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday |
10K |
What will they do to me? Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. Crucifixion?! Yeah, first offense. |
16K |
If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess. Guards! Nail him up, I say! |
16K |
Bloody favoritism!!!! |
5K |
Scene 12 |
Thwow him to the floor!! |
7K |
The little wascal has spiwit. |
5K |
Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do. |
7K |
Stwike him centuwian, vewy woughly. Oh, and uh, throw him to the floor sir? What? Thwow him to the floor again sir? Oh yes, thwow him to the floor please |
27K |
I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman. A Woman? No, no. Roman. [slap] Aah! |
15K |
Your father was a woman? |
6K |
Bigus Dickus |
4K |
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that. |
16K |
Wait til Bigus Dickus hears of this!! |
5K |
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. |
12K |
Anybody else feel like a little.....giggle? |
11K |
Incontinentia Buttocks |
4K |
Scene 14 |
There shall, in that time, be rumours of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, |
24K |
Are you trying to insult me? |
5K |
Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. Sixteen. Done. |
11K |